Friday, August 18, 2006

RIP Rails Blob

I am sorry to say that my good friend Rails Blob died yesterday. He suffered a massive existence failure after a huge diarrhea blowback in a telephone box. When the ambulance arrived he was already fading... he had been phoning to book his place at RubyConf and was still clutching his well thumbed printout of 'Getting Real'.

The doctors said his diet of blogs and badly written computer books had been too much for his digestive system, and allied with the huge strain of the recent Rails upgrades on his nervous system, his intestines had gone critical and caused a fecal chain reaction. The explosion knocked the electricity out on three blocks and caused minor disruption to traffic.

Rails Blob should be remembered for his dedication to the cause of Ruby, his deep (very deep) fascination with DHH (he had several walls covered with photos of DHH in his bedroom) and his constant battle with the dark forces of what he called 'the Javacs', or what his doctors affectionately called his 'insipient paranoia with violent outbursts'.

He knew that the Rails community would go from strength to strength and that the veneer of smug, cultish, we're-so-hip-we-cannot-fit-trousers-on- over-our-pelvises teenage fan club mentality found in certain quarters of the community would grow up to be something better.
He always pointed out that Rails would inherit the mantle of Smalltalk, the greatest programming language ever written.

When history repeats itself, after all, the first time is tragedy. The second time is farce.

Now where did I put that flyer for the $900 one day 'Getting Real' seminar? Oh it's under my Tony Robbins books over there...


Clegg (Rails Blobs friend)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Ruby On Raels


why dekstop as Linus has falled

I is reading lot s of poepl that think lInus should be used on the dekstop.
I is a haxker and I know s my stuff. I love linus with all my hart but it will never make a good desktop. It is not cos newbs get confused by /usr and the sudo and the notepads wars and installin using apt-regret.

It is cos dekstops is best made owt a wood, now ins;t theys? Dum marhketwers peopls.


I has been reading the sRpoing web page. My God. Thans heavens we have the DDT.
He convented a code note fromat called YMAL (Yes Mateys Another lSandwich)
The one the Javacs use for SRpoing is XsMeLL called that cos it is a codefart of comsmic propertions. I tried using it for a laff in my notepad on Linus (KATE) and it smelt so bad I had explosif vomitting onto my LSD scream. I took tow hors to clean it.

We captured a Javacs and made him eat XsMeLL notes what we had written on toilte paerp and he died. We buried his body and made a grvestine what read "Killed by XsMeLL"

That is a lie buit it was funny, yes?

DDT woud be pround.

Rails: Avoiding Code Flatulentce

It has beene my xeperience that a seasonde Runny haxcker has to watch oot for the others on his taem. Me and Clegg (my freind) is setting up an ecommerce and we is sharing our insidre knowledg for you today:

To avoid constant codefarts (which is hwen you has code that stincs) then you msut use th folowing rules:

  • Do Not Repaet On Youreslf
  • Do Not Repaet On Youreslf
  • Use variors that are shaped like a duck is (when it is typing)
  • Use dynmics intropetacles
  • Be Agile: this means having tow peple using the same keybord and mouse. This if diffict as they is alwasy fights. We use martian arts on each other and the winer gets to type one letter. Good code teks time (and a few blak eyes)
  • use inCro-Magnon and itinerant development processes- this measn hiring cavemen what is homeless and then making thems develope yous web appslications while you do inetrviews on wired.con etce ettc and PROFITT etc
  • use new framewok untilites like switchtowl and starefish (even though n-one know what they is for sure)
  • write all yis tests for yis code first . They is normally multi choiec like "what is the capital of paris?" onlty the code what gets the right answers gets into the projects. All our codes gets 100% in all exams (excepty gym - we is working on ours code s agility afters all!)
That's it. Don;t be like the Javacs. They has so many codefarts (cal;led names like hibriate and srpoinG) that theys coders cubbicles smell like a bunch of rancid of trmaps what has 24 hour convulsive flatelunetce. Ugg. Rubby smells like roses though.

To teh Cabboosers

I awnt to Ptost a Ptost to all my friedns the Cabooosers. Others plz do Not read! Cabosoeo is a l33t Railzors Haxorz Only! In the olden Daze of Rubbys Rails caboose rulesd the greate Pplanes of IRC in a maner similair To the way the Ameriocan Buffalo raomed the America.

But ten.... teh NOOOOOBZ!!!! A vampire Atatack!! And we waz Pushed away adn Made #cabloose. Jusut like in High Scholl hwen my GF would sot bdate me bc she was To Poluopular. but Whose lagushfing now!

I present tso Dear Blobbophile an examples:

Now talking in #rubyonrails
bob - hi how do i make a blog please
railsblob - ACTIONREZORD
bob - ???

Now talking in #caboose
bob2point0 - noobs suck
bob2point0 - i am so smart
railsblob - AZTIONRECROD

Of csousre we are usingg Unbubntu X!! For eletsozrs. Ecommerc. It si true I hav my busines Card. Ands tshe IRsc KEY. Also Atz railzxconsf we Met in sthe Secert CAboose Cave.

So ifs you are a Vampaire from Hell go to ru#byonrails othwrwise. Pleas remember the Docsktumentaion driev and mails your Doobloons to mak RoRr more beter. I ahve set 3 alredy.

Sees you at Rubby Comf!

pss. GF plz call me aspap :(